Me, Me, It’s Always Me

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I am not selfish.  I am not bad.  I always have problems with life.  My knees bother me, so I have to give up a hobby I loved.  I have an estate to deal with, and it’s problems don’t bring me any cash, only headaches.  Plus, it’s a big reminder that says, “Hey, your Dad is really dead.”  Which, he is.  That abuts my mantra in life:  “If I can’t do anything, don’t think about it.”  If I told you how many therapy sessions it took me to get that drummed into my head, you’d never believe me.  I don’t have any money and can’t work because of an illness, so I have to apply for benefits to live.

Two days ago I was in an attorney’s office being handed my ass because I forgot the paper trail necessary for a benefit.  I didn’t get the benefit, and I wanted to appeal.  I have to go back to the original agency today with a new paper and set of forms and sit quietly while I try to get a mistake that I didn’t really make, fixed.  This is how it went down.  I went in missing a piece of paper.  I told the worker that I didn’t have it but had a letter instead.  She said she’d use that and that she remembered my forms and my appeal from last year.  She didn’t do that!   The person who did my application did not even apply for the additional benefit that I get because of my illness, likely because she didn’t understand that the letter was supposed to be a sub for the form applying for the benefit.  With these agencies, that’s a nightmare.

I worry because I don’t like being in any way confrontational with these workers.  I didn’t speak up and tell the worker I needed the form I was missing for fear of giving offense.  If they say they’ll do something, I believe they’ll do it.  I’m not out to make anyone look bad by going into the office and saying, effectively, “nah nah nah, you screwed this up so I’m here to get you in trouble over it.”  No way, no how!  It’s a time waster.  I could have mentioned the paper trail from before, but only if I’d really remembered it.  Last year, from being sent to a new home, which took two tries to get, then having my dad have a stroke and then having him in hospital after hospital, while he had emotional meltdown after emotional meltdown, and then his final five weeks being cared for in his home, with that disasterous five day stay in that VA Hospice for respite, I’m exhausted.  It’s a wonder that I’m able to get up every day and just do anything, much less remember how to do some paper trail from last year!

So, all being said, I have a few things besides worry to do today.  This house has little storage space so I’m trying to get a few pieces of small furniture and boxes up in the attic.  I finally found a new set of lights for the Xmas tree, but they aren’t the ones I wanted.  These have about a hundred lights and 20 of them blink.  I couldn’t find one string of the fifteen programmed light patterns that used to be so popular.  They’re already on the tree twinkling.  Now I have to find other decorations. I wanted to use snow on the branches but I fear that to do it so early is to ruin it all by the actual holiday.  Of course, I can always buy yet another tree with snow.  Yeah, I’ll think about that one.  I do my Internet browsing every day, and follow a few cases and the news.

Yesterday, I saw the claim that a drone was flying over Aurora Colorado, I mean, WTF?

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