My one cousin who speaks to me by phone on a semi regular basis tried to call me last night, but my cell was not by my bedside so I missed it.  I’m kind of sorry, because I know if I call her, she’s never going to be available to the phone.  I get some of the family gossip from her part of the family, and as difficult as my life is, hers is even worse.  Her brothers are criminals.  Mostly they haven’t gone to jail, but they fight, burn spouses clothes in the driveway to break up with them, really bad, CRAZY behaviors.  I thought my dad was bad, back in the day, but I see him as entirely civil compared to those idiots.

At least I still talk to her!  She says that Earl’s children don’t speak to her, and treat them all like some kind of human rubbish.  I can’t wonder why about that.  Those children worked hard to make something of themselves and to be well thought of.  Without my illness that destroyed my financial life, I would likely have had a decent career.  Roanoke is small enough to have a reputation for good or bad that’s just about everywhere.  My family has a rep for having money, even though it was only one man from the 20’s, the local Donald Trump, and his family.  I believe my forbears were his cousins.  I had an accident that left me with absolutely no cash when I was there for 2 and a half years, so I couldn’t stay, and I had housing problems.  This was just before the economy fell.  There are so few jobs there, you have to start your own business.  My cousin did, and she’s been pretty successful at it.

I wanted to move back to My Big Valley, but really I can’t see my way clear to make any changes that have meaning just now.  I would likely go back to find things just the same.  I don’t know what it is, but I feel that something bad will happen to me if I move back, so I don’t.  I don’t want to stay here, exactly.  I don’t want to live in Chesterfield.  I don’t think it would be well advised to try Colorado without a ton more money than I have now.  My dad’s house is both small and someone lives there and it needs major work.  If I could do anything I wanted, I’d try to move to the West End for a while.  I’d have to pay about 1700 dollars a month for rents and utilities.  And that might not even be a house!  And I would need a job for that, which I don’t have.  So, I’m still wondering what on earth I want to do with the rest of my life.


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